March 12, 2020

Well, that’s frustrating. Realizing its been months since I’ve written here. I understand no one is following me – but its about the consistency.

I quit #75Hard. I loved it. The workouts were too much for me at this point. I was walking around in constant pain. Not pain like working out pain, but pain like my hips, my knees, my ankles. I was only 2 weeks in. My joints just aren’t able to carry 200 lb me around like that. Yet. I won’t be 200 lbs forever.

So where am I now? Still plucking away. Working on my diet. I always feel like I am “working on” my diet. Like one day I just want to eat what I really want to be eating and leave the rest alone. This utopia would be me not being tempted by candy or cakes or chips. It is always a struggle. A struggle for what I really want tomorrow with what I have to give up today.

A few things I have changed…. Soda. I don’t drink any soda now and I haven’t in a long time. We were at McDonald’s where they had run out of bottled water. I chose unsweetened tea instead. No question. I work out. I love to work out now. It is part of me. I am a person who works out. I eat much less than I used to (this is the really aggravating thing! no weight loss). Yes, yes. I know the argument. But you aren’t measuring and weighing EVERYTHING so you don’t know. No, I usually go back for seconds (sometimes thirds). I don’t do that anymore.

My current habits …. I am working through Dr. Hyman’s Blood Sugar Solution. All evidence points to my insulin resistance being THE THING to overcome. Simple CICO isn’t working so well for me. I think its time to adjust the macros and eliminate some stuff. This is partly what brought me back here. He wants his plan followers to journal daily.

I have struggled with my weight for all of my adult years. Now of course I look back at 150 lb me wishing I could possibly be there again. Since 18 I have gradually gained weight each year. I lost some after my 2nd son was born (that pregnancy was also my healthiest and I gained a modest 20 lbs). I’ve done some up and downs, but this is my highest up. I started at 220. This morning I was 199.6 lbs.

I am very frustrated with my body. I am tired and want to do more, but I just get so fatigued. I want to move in ways I used to be able to. All I can think is, “what have I done to myself?

Anyhow. The next 6 weeks or so I am going to go gluten free again. I believe that may be an underlying issue that I’m not dealing with. I’ve done it before. I don’t know why it is so damn hard to do it again!

I plan on journaling here daily, but I know how that sometimes works out!

Discouraged

I’m feeling a bit down this morning. I’ve been feeling “off” for most of this week. At first I thought it could be PMS, but the timing isn’t right. I have been feeling like I am in a fog, very tired (more than usual), and sore to boot.

I’ve been doing my twice a day workouts (per 75hard) which explains the soreness. Last night I didn’t do my 2nd workout because I just felt so terrible. Which technically pushes me back to day 1 of the challenge.

Then on top of everything… my weight refuses to budge. I hit 201 last week then it goes back up. This morning I was at 204.5. My body has this block or its a mental block or an aversion to getting under 200 lbs it seems. It is very frustrating and discouraging when I am putting in so much hard work. At least if I stayed at 201. But, no its got to jump back up.

Friday I went to the gym early. After I got the kids fed and settled with things to do – I went back to bed. For 2 hours. That is so uncharacteristic of myself. I don’t know if I should keep pushing with these workouts or if its something else entirely. My sex drive is also barely existent.

I keep questioning myself as to if I am working out too much. First of all, it isn’t that much. I take a long walk (but nothing strenuous – its more like a stroll) and I alternate doing weights in the gym and something at home (yoga, cardio video, core, etc). Secondly, I give up really easily when I come up to adversity. Is this something I ought to push through? Is it something I really do need to stop?

I have a doctor’s appointment this coming week so I will bring all of this up to him then.

Comparing Myself to Me

I don’t like to look at me. When I work out I feel strong. And thin. But when I look at myself for too long I see that isn’t true. It makes me uncomfortable. It stirs up some weird feelings that I just don’t like at all.

One of the daily rules for #75Hard is to take a daily progress picture. I decided to look through the 5 or so pictures I’ve taken so far. I do not like it at all. It makes me want to eat and give up. I see how I look and it doesn’t line up with how I feel. I’ve worked really hard to this point and I feel like I should be farther along.

Usually this spurs on me eating and laying in bed and feeling all sorts of depressed.

Not this time.

I decided to just deal with it. Just realize that this is where I am. And just sit with it.

I reread/re listened to rule #4 – Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today. Which is what I desperately needed to hear.

Who was I “yesterday”? I was 20 pounds (20!) heavier. I couldn’t walk a mile let alone 2-3 miles. I couldn’t squat 80 pounds. I was 5 inches bigger in my waist.

The pictures don’t show all that. I can just see today and not who I was yesterday. I am choosing to focus not just what I see in the mirror today. I’m choosing to remember where I am in relation to where I have come from.

#75Hard (or Why I Am “Back”)

Christmas set me back. Way back. The hecticness (is that a word?), the sleeplessness, the illnesses… They all threw my for a loop. I was working out, but my eating was way, way off track. At the way I was going I would have undone all my hard work over the summer. I was OK with it as I gave myself permission to step back from eating “perfectly”. My priority was put on maintaining instead of losing. And I was totally guilt-free in doing that.

But now here I was – January 2 trying to figure out how to shift back again. After a few false starts and frustrating appointments with the dietician, I regain control. I put my foot down and said “ENOUGH!”. That was on Tuesday (1/14/20).

I set out intending to follow my meal plan to a tee. I am also texting my dietician my food log as I eat. We also talked about increasing my cardio workouts (I started doing The New Rules of Weightlifting for Women which gets me to the gym 3 days per week). When I got home I was pumped up. I can totally do this! I pulled up YouTube and a video was suggested by a women who followed something called “75Hard”. What the heck? But my curiosity was up.

So down the rabbit hole I go. I get to the source of this 75Hard and figure out its fairly simple (not easy though). Basically you commit to following 5 rules for 75 days.
Everyday you must:
1. Workout twice a day for 45 minutes a piece. One workout MUST be outdoors.
2. Drink 1 gallon of water.
3. Follow a diet plan 100% – no cheat days & no alcohol.
4. Read 10 pages in a non-fiction book.
5. Take a progress picture.
If you miss a rule – its start over at day 1.

So without looking at all – I take a huge leap and sign up for this totally free challenge.

What the crap did I get myself into now?

Here I am now on day 5 and realizing I need to be writing some shit down. The entire goal of these 75 days is NOT a fitness challenge. It is using fitness to work on mentality. Its to show that I can make up my mind and do something. Whether its cold. Whether I am sick. Whether I am tired or angry or sad or have crying kids or had a argument. I can make up my mind to do the next right thing. But I can’t. not yet anyhow. I let all the circumstances in my day derail my meal plan, my routines, my workout, my attitude.

5 days in and I can already see a difference. I did not want to walk last night. While I was walking I didn’t want to be walking. I set my mind on my commitment and didn’t give myself a choice. I got on all my layers and I got my ass out the door and I walked. My hips were sore, but I walked. It was cold, but I walked. And it felt damn good when I got back home. (And then I fell asleep, but that’s another story).

What am I hoping for with this 75 days? I want to be 10 pounds less. That is my one fitness goal: to be 193 pounds by the end. I really just want to be able to say I stuck with one damn thing for 75 days. I can’t say I’m excited. Its more like I have steeled myself. I’ve got my game face on.

Here’s to 70 more days.

Rule #2 (Again)

When I started this blog it was based on the 12 Rules for Life. The intention was to focus on a rule a month. Apparently this was over ambitious. Each rule needs its own timing and savoring. The last 9 months has been implementing rule #2 (Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping). I set intention and life has a way of taking its own sweet meandering path.

Although I wasn’t recording it here – I was sticking fairly closely to my morning routine. Around Memorial Day of last year (2019) I was in the hospital due to an arrhythmia. I stuck to my workout routine (and everything else) for a while until I started with heart palpitations. When I stopped working out – my morning routine fell apart.

Just around that time I was diagnosed with prediabetes. I started working with a dietician to get me eating well. Over the summer/fall I lost around 15 pounds AND my numbers dropped into a healthy, non prediabetes range. The holidays knocked me off track a bit, but I am getting back on track.

I realize now I started really implementing rule #2. I have worked out consistently 3-4 times per week for the last 4 months. I have eliminated soda and most sugary stuff from my diet. I take my vitamins every morning (I am also iron deficient & have very low vitamin D).

It took a while. And some of it wasn’t intentional at all. Life just sort of happened to me. I held my head up and fought back. I am choosing not to sit idly by and let my health deteriorate. That leads me to the WHY I am back here again to record my thoughts. That’s the next entry ;).

What I Have Been Up To

I haven’t been writing that is for sure! So what have I been doing? I’ve been sticking to my morning routine for the most part. I’ve been hitting the gym 3 days a week now. Waking around 5/5:30 most mornings.

I try to incorporate the idea of treating myself how I would treat one of my kids. I do things specifically to help them to become the best version of themselves. But, I rarely do that for myself. That is part of what gets me to the gym 3 days a week lately. I try to remember that I am doing it to take care of me!

I suppose I haven’t been doing my morning routine exactly and letting other things clutter up my time. Part of my issue is not having things ready the night before and I am scrambling in the morning because of it. That is probably where I need to focus my time next!

Rule 2

Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping

In this chapter, Jordan Peterson explains the statistics of people filling and taking their prescription medication. Even patients with precarious health issues (think transplants) don’t always take their meds. But, they make sure their pets get the meds they need! Essentially, the idea is treat yourself the way you’d take care of someone else.

I feel like this ties in nicely with what I have already been doing. Getting to the gym a couple times a week, weighing in daily, drinking a ton of water, keeping track of my food intake.

Can I just say how stinking excited I am that I am on month 2! This is progress for me. I usually give up halfway through week 1 on any project I undertake.

Reflection Part 2

I started 18 days ago. I am really stinking proud of myself to say the least. I have usually given up by this point!

Rule 1 is to stand up straight with your shoulders back. Obviously that is a physical position, but more so an emotional one. Standing up straight and facing life head on with intention. The question is – Have I done that these last 18 days? Yes, I believe I have.

On to Rule 2 tomorrow!

Reflection

Yesterday, as I was walking the dog, I was thinking about how things have changed over the last 2-3 weeks. It has gotten easier and easier to wake up early (I don’t need to set an alarm anymore). And I feel more alive than I have in a while; like I have more control over my time. I am living with more intention instead of being tossed around by whatever is coming toward me.

My current routine is an amalgamation of FlyLady and my own experiences. I’m also in the process of going through Pam Barnhill’s Homeschool Consistency Boot Camp

My Morning Routine is as follows :
Wake (around 5/5:30)
Weigh-in
Check in on various apps (Garmin-for sleep, Noom for weight loss)
Get dressed (My goal has been to shower/take a bath the night before and get dressed in the AM, but I am apparently too loud and this wakes people up… So I haven’t been doing it)
Get a load of laundry in
Blog post
Take dog for a walk
Workout (Tue & Thurs I go to the gym first thing)
Get girls up – change diapers & clothes
Make Breakfast
Unload dishwasher & load breakfast dishes
Switch Laundry to dryer

With the exception of a few days this has been my morning routine for the last couple weeks. It is invigorating to actually follow through. I have written out routines and maybe stuck to it a couple days. I think this time is different because I actually sleep at night now. And I’m running hugely on autopilot. I have decided to not make any decisions in the morning (except maybe what I am eating for breakfast). And it makes for a more energized me everyday – since I’m not suffering with decision fatigue!

Rules

My husband and I had an amazing weekend. We haven’t been away from home overnight in over 2 years. And it was magical. We had good conversation and on the drive down to the B&B we decided on some “rules”.

He mentioned that Jordan Peterson said that if you have a problem that you should limit how much you are talking about it. Set a day & a time to think about it or talk about it and the rest of the time you should be living life. So we decided to do that for ourselves.

Our rules…
1. A date night 2 times a month.
2. A budget meeting once a month.
3. No talking about marriage issues after 10 pm.
4. Setting aside time to talk about marriage issues, but not daily (and not everyday).
5. No important conversations over text (especially from me!).
6. A weekly (or at least every other week) Sabbath.
7. The not-quite-housebroken-dog stays in the kitchen from now on.

It felt nice a huge leap forward to come up with this together. It felt like a team effort and that we are both on the same page to making things work. So… Those are our “rules”.